You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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