Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
