so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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