well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
