Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
