Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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