OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
