Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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