I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
