Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
