You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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