fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
