i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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