now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
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Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
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Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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