Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
