Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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