You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Panties = found
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
