He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
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Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.