that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2