yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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