xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
