I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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