I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
