nut hugger
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
