There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
