i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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