his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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