ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
