i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
