AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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