Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
