She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
