The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
