I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
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I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed