He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.