I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.