So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
