We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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