You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
