Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
