Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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