so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
