She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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