so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
