You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
