Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
