Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
