They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
