I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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