My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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