You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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