You work out of a Hotel?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
