Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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