6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
