You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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