oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I still have a little drunk in my system
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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