i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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