Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
