My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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