a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
