Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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